Lonliness September 27, 2009

Sometimes you just want…no, you need that special someone – that special guy – who you know you can go to when you have no one else to turn to, and he’ll just hold you close as you cry. That person who will rock you back and forth, held safe in his strong arms so that you feel like a child again. You know you can just stay with this person, you’re big teddy bear who keeps you warm and comforts you throughout the hard times, for as long as you need to until he knows you are truly feeling better because he cares. He is compassionate and loving. He is your rock, your life, your peace.

I miss having someone there for me… Even if they weren’t like the probably-non-existant person described above…

We all have the right to dream through times when you feel alone and inadequate though…

 

~Airolyn

Crying, Listening to Music, Puking….. Crying. April 13, 2009

For those of you who didn’t already know, I’m stuck at my dad’s this week for spring break. We (me and my siblings) showed up on Friday at about 3pm, and don’t leave until around 3 on Sunday.

I don’t think I’ll make it that long.

I hate coming to my dad’s house – I hate being held responsible for everything, for constantly being yelled at, for just….feeling hated.

Today, about an hour ago, I was sitting on the couch watching TV with Phoebe and Hope, ad Tiffany, my step monster, came in from errands and started yelling like the crazy person she is. She freaked out on me for not clearing my plate from the side table after eating, and then proceeded t force everyone into the kitchen where she yelled at us and continued to ask, “Why can’t you guys put your dishes in the dishwasher??”

I do, just not always right when she tells me to. Fine. I admit it.

But I said, “I do put my dishes away,” and she YELLED, “No, you do not!!”

I said I do, because I do, and she said I don’t again.

Then she yelled about how I have no respect, how I do things on my own time, and how I’m lazy, spoiled, and how I always ask questions.

I ask questions to find things out, not to be disrespectful!! Is it that hard to understand?!?! And of course I ask if I can wait until the next commercial to clear my plate – that’s human to want to do things on your own time, but I’m not being disrespectful!! Now they’ve finally just banned me from asking questions so I just do things when I’m told. Fine!! Why didn’t you just do that in the first place – tell me to not ask if I can do it later – rather than confusing me and yelling for “asking questions.” Thanks for being specific!!!!

Not.

So I went to take my meds and she yelled at everyone to go downstairs to finish out laundry, including me when I was done taking meds.

So i took my anti-depressants (any ideas why I need them??!) and the renter, Melissa was there, so I spoke to her for 30seconds. Melissa is really cool and understands better. She knows all of us well, and she and Tiffany are good friends. So anyway, she said she wasn’t siding with me or Tiffany, to which I replied I didn’t expect her to, and then Tiffany comes up and yells at me, “She’s not your councilor! Get your ass downstairs!!”

O.o

Exccuuuussseee me?!

My dad doesn’t like the fact that I see a councilor because he thinks it’s shirking responsibilities by getting the answers from someone else (which it is not!! If you have any questions on how it’s not and if you can’t see how that logic is severely screwed then let me know and I will email you a huge explanation). And now Tiffany is of the same mindset?? What now?? But hey, that’s irrelevant, because who cares if she’s not my councilor?!?! Now I can’t talk, too????

So I went downstairs and she called my dad and thrust the phone at me after telling him to “explain to your daughter how disrespectful she is” or something like that. I was pretty out of it after hearing the “your daughter”  part, and I just don’t remember her exact words.

No one gets it.

I don’t feel like recounting the exchange between my dad and I. It’s a waste of my time.

I don’t think I’m gonna last another 6 days.

I almost called my mom to tell her I want her to come and get me, 3 hour drive or not, before I kill someone (or myself), but I didn’t because she would call my dad and they would fight and he would come and yell at me for calling her and…..ugh.

They don’t get along. In fact, whenever we do something he doesn’t like he says something like, “you’re not going to treat me like you do your mom,” or “you aren’t going to live here and treat my house like you treat your mom’s.”

Tiffany, I’ve found, now does the same thing. During our argument today she said something like, “you will not act like you do at your mom’s here and be disrespectful.”

Everyone is in here yelling and being annoying fighting over the Wii. Ugh.

And I want Pizza Hut, but they don’t deliver here because we are in the middle of nowhere!!! Yet the thing is a freaking 7.59 miles away and they still won’t deliver. I’m about to go ride my bike to the place.

Hope asked Tiffany for me if we could order pizza and she replied, “do whatever you want as long as you don’t burn the house down.” Fine. How about I blow it up…? >:)

Just kidding. For now…

Anyway, I cried in my room that I share with my 2 real sisters and step-sister (fun, hm?!?!?), ended up barely making it to the toilet to barf (toaster stroodle came out like the biggest, longest loogie ever…), and then I took a shower. A cold one because there was no hot water. Now I have a headache.

Someone want to shoot me?

And to think this morning I was planning my post on my past 3 nights’ worth of dreams and how the trip with my mom to dad’s sucked just as bad as today, but now I can’t because my head hurts too much. Maybe I’ll catch up later. Maybe not. Although I hope I will because my dreams have been neat.

It’s times like these I wish I had a boyfriend (preferably within 10minutes walking distance) so I could run to his house and just curl up in his arms and…cry. And he wouldn’t care, so I’d feel better, and it would all work out.

But I don’t have someone like that.

So I’m alone. Besides friends of course… but they aren’t here and even friends can’t do what a boyfriend can at times. Comfort wise, of course.

Anyway…

I feel like shit.

-Airolyn

P.S. I put my iPod on shuffle o distract myself but that didn’t really work…”Your Guardian Angel” by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus came on first, then more sad songs that I can’ type right now because I’m being forced outside by the step-monster…

Adios! Wish me…death. Please!

Revelation December 20, 2008

So I was allowed to have the shindig, but I have to suffer through some other undecided punishment because I didn’t finish the paper by 9pm that day, even though I did finish it eventually…

Oh well.

But, at the shindig, I had a revelation, and it wasn’t a happy one.

It has to do with Brenden. Enough said, hm?

Well, we were throwing a football around in the backyard, and it was guys vs. girls, even though there were 2 guys to 4 girls (until Luke, my brother, joined in on the guys’ side). So, this one girl I invited (mostly because she saw the invite to EJ and because I supposed she was cool enough) named Marissa kept getting the ball passed to her and then just…holding on to it. Know why? ‘Cause Brenden was going quite quickly after whoever had the ball. She likes Brenden and I knew this previously but I was hoping my mom’s no PDA rules would kinda make things OK, not to mention considering he had flirting so strongly with me the past week made me think everything would be fine, but things weren’t. She tried (poorly) to make it look like she was deciding who to throw it to, but she was really just waiting for Brenden to come and half tackle her from behind, then wrap his arms around her to try to get the ball from her hands. She was having fun…and so was he.

He’s been (half) flirting with her, too, some of the week, but I shrugged it off  ’cause I was stupid and blind-ish.

Anyway, I wasn’t playing any more so he came over to where I was sitting and got so close our foreheads were touching. Sad thing is, I let him, and this has happened so many times before…I liked it (before the shindig that is) and so I shrugged it off. Why?! you ask? ‘Cause I’m a hopeful retard. He told me I should come play and have fun with everyone else ’cause it was my party, after all, and he was right, but I refused. He waited a sec then went back to groping Marissa. Well, it wasn’t really groping, but close enough…it was even worse because not only was he flirting with both of us, but he still has a girlfriend, even though he’s been saying he’s gonna dump her. He is, but he hadn’t by the time of the shindig, so the invasion of my personal space that was way too intimate for people no longer dating wasn’t appropriate.

And the whole time my mom wouldn’t leave me alone about it so that sucked…she kept coming outside and whispering to me, “I hope you realize what’s going on,” and all that crap like I couldn’t figure it out for myself.

So my revelation was this: Brenden only has one side; there’s no deep side, no intellectual side, no nothing, except for his one side – and that’s a flirt. He’s a player, and I don’t especially think it’s always intentional, but it’s because that’s what’s always worked for him. He’s really cute so getting close to someone usually probably gets him his way, and it also gets him pretty much any girl he wants, I’m willing to bet. He’s the kind of guy who can switch girls whenever; he could break up with someone then have a new girlfriend or at least another girl after him by the next day, if not the same night. Turns out most of my friends have or have had a crush on him. ‘Cause he’s just…like that. I don’t know.

Anyway, I figured out that that doesn’t do it for me.

I need someone who has a brain and some depth rather than just great kisses and a comforting closeness like him. I think all I really got caught up in was having that someone there.(Especially when that someone was erm…a uh…good kisser… *^_^*)

And so, for that reason, I’m happy he dumped me when he did; I’m happy he freed me earlier then I would have liked at the time. I mean, I still miss him and I’m still getting over him, even with the help of my newest revelation, but still.

I think all we had was a physical attraction, but not in that way, people! Puh-leez. I’m not like that… -.-”

Anyway. That’s that. I’m still uber sad and lonely and wishing I could have another boyfriend there for me right now, but not all wishes come true, immediately at least, so until then I’ll have to be patient.

But hey, the shindig wasn’t all bad! I got to meet EJ’s boyfriend, David, who I had told her she could bring if she wanted. I’m really glad he came ’cause before this I hadn’t really known any more about him then what his face looked like and what his name was. Turns out he and EJ are actually really great for each other! He’s like my group of people: hyper at times, funny, and cool to be around. He fits right in, so congrats, EJ! Also, at least he and EJ are polite! I only think they kissed once the whole time and it wasn’t rude or even when people were around, so it was nice that they had respect. I hope we all get to hang out again soon!

Erin also came and she was awesome! We swung in the hammock and just goofed off being ourselves!

Also, EJ and I have another inside joke! I made everyone a smoothie when they came, and they loved them! It was the magical smoothies that I gave you all the recipie for in a previous post. Everyone got really hyper and we couldn’t stop laughing after awhile, so we all joked that the smoothies had been spiked or something! Now whenever I say “papaya juice!” to EJ she and I crack up! It’s awesome! :D

So that’s the update!!

~Airolyn

</3 and <3 ….?    :)

P.S. In the background here at my house I have music playing from an awesome site called Pandora (pandora.com). Look it up! You create a “station” by typing in the name of a song or band you like and the site comes up with a list of songs that are somehow similar to the thing you typed in. They help you explore artists you didn’t know about through music you know you like! It’s really cool and hard to explain, so just check it out!!!

Monday Would Have Been a Month… November 6, 2008

Read “Talk About an Update” (previous post) before reading this, because that post came before this one and gives a tiny amount of background info. Thanks.

Called him ’cause he hadn’t called yet.

“So what’s up?” I said, breaking the tension and giving him a chance to say whatever he needed to.

Long silence on his end…I prepare for the bomb I’ve seen was coming, but hoped its course would have changed. I suppose there was no such luck.

“…Hey, don’t take this the wrong way but…I think we should…just be friends…”

“Oh. OK then.”

“You’re OK with that…?

“Well, I’m not gonna go berserk.”

“Oh…OK then.”

*One almost-totally silent minute later…*

“OK!” I shouted out of the phone microphone as if someone had called to me about something, but in reality it was silent in the house. “Hey, Brenden…? I gotta go.”

“Oh, OK, bye…”

“Bye!”

I sounded chipper. Chipper!! Oh well, at least I’m a good actress.

Not gonna go berserk. No, I won’t, and I wasn’t gonna cry, either, if that’s what he expected.

At least not on the phone…I made no promises about after I hung up…good thing, too…

The first thing one wonders is what did I do wrong? because we all assume it is our fault (the dumpee assumes that, at least). I mean, Brenden and I went to the Halloween party on Halloween…he was the one who asked Sarah, the hostess, if I could come because she didn’t know me, and when she said yes Brenden and I were ecstatic that we would get more time to hang out together. And the party was great – Brenden and I were great – no, amazing! It all seemed wonderfully fine and together and hunky-dory…etc.

But somewhere between Halloween night and today (the first time I’d seen him since) something went wrong, apparently. Maybe it was me; maybe he just found someone else he liked better…not like that’s a hard thing to do: find someone better than me… but I’m curious as to what did happen. Maybe I’ll ask when I see him tomorrow. Who knows what went wrong? (Well, he does I suppose…)

Of course now I’ll go through the whole break-up stage for the first time ’cause… I’ve never been broken up with. So I’ll pig out on what I can find or just stop eating for a bit (probably the latter option ’cause edible food in our house is rare, and it’s not like I eat much anything – probably about 1000 calories a day, in fact, because my meds make me lose my apatite; I’m unintentionally anorexic, apparently, and my body is about to start eating itself from the inside out if I don’t change something…not to scare you all…), cry until my face is puffy and splotched red, then go to bed early and sleep longer than usual so I can at least be free from sorrow in my dreams…I hope, but hey? Who are we to decide what our subconscious feeds us when it gets the chance to take over each night…?

Then I’ll get up for school tomorrow, acting fine for no one in particular because only the cats are up with me at 6am, and catch the school bus…go to chemistry where I can mope without being disturbed because Ms. W. moved the guy who sat next to me (Corey). He was the only person who I talked to in that class, so I’ll be fine and silent tomorrow. Then I’ll sleep in sadness during study block, do as little as I can get away with in PE, and sleep/mope/be silent some more in art.

What is it with this time of year…?! Tiffany’s bf just broke up with her, Kim got dumped, too, and I was hoping Brenden and I wouldn’t be next.

But you don’t always get what you wish for.

But oh well, I’m not gonna be a b***h about it or anything – Brenden’s cool and I’d never be a jerk just because things didn’t work out; for a relationship to work both people have to be happy, so I wasn’t about to monopolize him and whatnot – and life goes on.

And for me life continues back in Singles Land…

</3

Wow. It hurts more than I thought it would…

…

*weak smile*

Dave just walked in…

“You OK?”

“Mhm…”

As if.

As if I’m just sitting here glumly typing a post called “Monday Would Have Been a Month” for no reason – hey, maybe it would have been a month since I saw a movie, or a month since I beat up my brother in my head – what does Dave know?! Everything about the meaning of the title, I’m sure, because it’s not only the fact that Dave had two daughters make it past my age, but also the fact that the whole world seems to know that allows me to come to the conclusion that Dave knows why I’m quiet and unsmiling.

Why is that? Why is it that whenever you’re happy only certain people notice, yet when you feel like crawling into a crevice and freezing to death the whole world turns and stares at you and feeds on your misery?

Life can be cruel.

Talk to you all later…

~Air

Talk About an Update… November 6, 2008

This post includes a lot, just to let you all know. It talks of crew, dreams, third eyes, yelling, and cocoa and coffee and kisses (or lack of kisses) and books and writing, sadness, play lists, songs and artists, and more! So prepare yourselves for the update of the year!!! (Thus far)

And just a quick note: Yes, Kristin, I may have taken slight advantage of the fact that you said you’d read my whole next post (meaning this one) but come on!! you PROMISED!!!! So read! =)

Ok let’s get the easy stuff over with first: Last Sunday was yet another regatta and my boat sucked. We got 32 out of 38 because our boat was never set (level) people were yelling, and L. (abbreviated for privacy) wouldn’t stop complaining! She sits behind me (I’m seat 3 – meaning 3 from the bow of the boat which is really the back of the boat depending on how you look at it…hard to explain – look it up) and she just…ugh. It’s like whenever she gets into the shell (boat; try to keep up with the crew terminology people) some evil complaining monster comes out and I just wanna strangle her!! So, on Sunday, it went something like this:

L: I can’t do this! My arms hurt!

A (me): *silence*

L: I’m so over this!!!

A: *seething silence*

Tabby (Tabbitha, one of my best friends on the team who is bow seat and behind L): It’s OK, you can do it. *trying to keep L calm and KEEP HER ROWING*

L: I’m so f*****g over this!!!! I can’t breathe!! *complain complain curse curse rant complain*

T: *Still trying to calm down L…*

A: Well then, L, maybe crew isn’t your sport then!!

L: *silent* ………………………………… *complain*

I think you all get the idea…

I wanted to strangle her sooooooo badly…but then she has the nerve to yell at everyone else to keep the boat set and “PULL HHAARRDDEERR!!!!!!!!!” Dare I say hypocrite…?

Ay ay ay.

Also, might I point out that MY hands were hurting, too? And that so were everyone else’s…? I mean, who knew, right?!?!?! OF COURSE YOUR HANDS HURT BUT SHUT UP ABOUT IT! Also, her complaining was simply a waste of her breath that should have been saved not only so that my ears were spared but also so that she had more energy to ROW with.

Oh, and did I mention how much she CURSED?! Normally, as you all know, I don’t care who curses and yadda yadda yadda as long as not every other word is a curse word. Then I get irritated. But oh no, I cared then – you know why!?!? BECAUSE IF THE REFS HEAR YOU CURSING YOU GET DISQUALIFIED. Just saying… -.-”

Anyway, the only good part about Sunday’s race was the 4 hour bus ride there and back spent with friends and what not. That was enjoyable, and no I’m not being sarcastic. Another good thing is that I brought about 1/2 gallon of homemade hot chocolate in a magical thermos that is ancient and kept the hot chocolate feeling like it was immediately off the burner for 6 hours until I drank it. It was AMAZING!

Now for the dreams. I don’t feel like going into detail. But here’s the jist of one of them:

3 nights ago:

My mom was an actress who was trying to sell a new Starbuck’s thermos. I don’t know why. Maybe they hired her to do this, but then again maybe not. She was upstairs in her room that had been transformed so that when you walked in you saw one L counter in front of you and then one L to the right. On the L on the right there was a HUGE black coffee maker. Mom was practicing her act for me and I think she was trying to sell the thermos that had nothing unique about it to a certain college… I don’t remember because it was a dream and most people don’t remember every little detail of their dreams…

Anyway, there was also a Japanese person staying with us and she was standing in the hallway with me and we were arguing about who would do which problem in my Japanese workbook. You would think it wouldn’t matter to her because she was Japanese, only apparently it did because she couldn’t figure out either of the answers, and not because they were amazingly hard problems, but because…it was more like she was an English person who spoke Japanese thinking it was coming out English…it was like she was only Japanese to inhibit our ability to communicate. Then (I think this had been like this most of the dream) my vision became very blurry like my contacts weren’t in, only I clearly remembered putting them in, so it was as if they were making my vision a million times worse. My depth perception was way beyond off, colors and objects were blurring into incomprehensible blobs, and I tried to rub eyes to get my vision back and I also closed and opened them multiple times. but nothing worked.

Then I woke up.

It was odd.

Mom’s not home right now. She just called. Of course she mentioned how she never answered me this morning when I asked if Brenden could come over for a little bit. She said not today just now on the phone, but next time maybe if it’s all planned in advance.

The sad part is, I don’t know if there will be a next time.

Brenden called yesterday and I missed it so he left a message saying I should call when I could, so I did, but I missed him. The message he left sounded very…sad. Then, today, he wasn’t waiting for me after history 3rd period like he always does because our history classes are both that period and right next to each other. But no, he wasn’t there. By then I thought something was up, and of course the first thought that pops into anyone’s head is, “are they going to dump me?!” So yea I thought that, but pushed it away.

This afternoon when I went outside to our normal space where I meet Tabby and him and everyone he wasn’t there, but Tabby said she’s just seen him and that he needed to talk to me. I waited for a moment, but then turned towards my bus ’cause it would be leaving soon. Then Tabby called me back and there was Brenden. Looking troubled. Talk about having your heart sink…but he only asked if he would be able to talk to me later tonight on the phone. I said yea, and asked what was wrong because…he looked so dead, and that’s really unlike him. He said it was nothing and he just needed to talk to me. And then – get his, it;s the weirdest part – I didn’t get a goodbye kiss. He just gave me a hug. Usually it’s a kiss then a hug then a goodbye…but no. Just a hug.

I’m scared.

I’ve been playing this group of songs over and over…Some of the titles say it all, others I think the lyrics fit, and some just have some rhythm or something thats fitting my mood…They aren’t all popular or hip or even good but they fit…

1) Thunder::Boys Like Girls (lyrics and melody)

2) My Only Friend::Ronny Day (lyrics and melody)

3) She Will be Loved::Maroon 5 (title-says-it-all and lyrics)

4) How to Save a Life::The Fray (melody)

5) Calling You::Blue October (title-says-it-all, lyrics, and melody)

6) On Top of the World::Boys Like Girls (melody)

——> Annie, look up this song’s lyrics!! (On Top of the World) *faces of lonely daughters and mothers who care who just can’t be there*

7) The Devil in the Wishing Well::Five for Fighting (melody)

8) Extraordinary Girl::Green Day (title, melody, and lyrics)

9) Come on Get Higher::Matt Nathanson (melody)

10) Disco::Metro Station (melody and lyrics)

11) Who Knew::P!nk (lyrics and melody)

12) When the Heartache Ends::Rob Thomas (title-says-it-all)

13) Chasing Cars::Snow Patrol (title, lyrics, and melody) —–> This is the one I’m hearing the most…

14) Pieces::Sum 41 (title-says-it-all, lyrics, and melody)

15) Never to Late::Three Days Grace (title-says-it-all, melody)

16) Skyway Avenue::We the Kings (melody)

And get this: the whole time (which wasn’t long but long enough) I was just on the phone with Mom she kept asking what was wrong, said I sounded dead-pan, and said I needed to make tea or go for a walk or treat myself to something and that she’d talk to me when she got home.

I guess true sadness shows…

~Airolyn

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Update:

Mom got home probably over 40 minutes ago and I stopped typing and we’ve been talking about dreams, because I identified a common strand in a lot of my dreams: I can’t see as in my vision is blobbed to the point of I can’t comprehend what or where things are and I am completely disoriented by this lack of sight and understanding.

Apparently this means a loss of control or something like that. It’s having to do with my third eye, says my mom, that little eye in the middle of your forehead that is your psychic and metaphorical eye, if you will.

I think she;s right to some degree, although it’s odd to think about because I’m such an intuitive and understanding and….right person when it comes to certain things, things that the loss of the third eye and the loss of sight and things like that in these dreams are implying I am wrong about.

It is odd.

I really don’t know what to say.

Hm.

Time will tell all, no?

On a more comprehensible note: November is write a novel in a month month! You are supposed to write 8 pages a day to push yourself as a writer and produce a novel in only one month. If you decide to do this though keep in mind that you are writing for QUANTITY not quality, and this is what makes it so immensely difficult for writers like me who like to edit while we write (and therefor don’t get very far in our books…!). I’m doing a book either about my life as a teenager (written like it’s someone else, of course, with that little added fictional element) or a book about these forces called shadows and lights and Sight pairs and Formless… it’s all too difficult to explain and type, so maybe I’ll just put up the first few pages in a couple of days… the problem with doing that, however, is that the first few pages don’t explain much at all, but they do get you hooked! (I hope – Phoebe (little sis #1) has already threatened me with death if I don’t write the book after hearing the first 5 pages of it over dinner a week ago!)

No matter what book I choose to do though, it won’t really matter for November because I have only about 3 pages in the teenage book and 5 in the shadow/light book. And it’s the 6th of November. By now I’m supposed to have around 48 pages. Haha yea right… Oh well, maybe it’ll just be a guideline for me like it has been and I’ll push myself for 2 months…! Or 3…or, hey, 4 is a good, even number…!!! See? I need tiiimmmee for QUALITY!! Oh well, it’ll all work out eventuallllyyyy!!!!!!!!!

^_^

~Airolyn

P.S. Check out mai smexy culuhs!!!!!!!!! (translation: look at my awesome color choices)!

!!!!

!!

!

:)

P.P.S. Be happy I at least stayed under 2000 words, those of you who are complaining about post length!!! It’s only around 1,912 words!! (exactly!!) ;)

Oh No Oh No Oh No… September 29, 2008

ANNIE!!!!

You are NOT inferior to me in any way, shape, or form, and I would never consider you as such! You are clingy and needy but not in the bad ways that the negative connotations on those words imply! You are caring and trustworthy, and amazingly awesome, and it’s always such a relief to talk to you and hear your voice! You and I are equals and I would never think of it any other way! If one is inferior to the other than it would be I am lower than you, ’cause trust me, you are so wise beyond your years. You’ve been through things that really sum up “my life sucks” and yet you keep going, and for that I envy you, where as I would curl up and melt rather than try to face my fears. You keep me going just as much as I keep you going, and I thank you for that. You’ve done nothing short of enlighten me and my life!

Don’t change and don’t worry!

I’ll always be here for you, now and forever!!!!!

All my love and more,

Airolyn

I Know, I Know… September 16, 2008

I should post.

I NEED to post.

And yet I can’t form proper sentences to express how I feel right now.

I think it has to do with the fact that one of my friends is hurting, and when my friends hurt, I hurt. I can’t stand to see the cruelty that people insist upon inflicting on others put into action against people I love. It confuses me that others can be so heartless towards a fellow human being. I understand that it happens, yet I can’t fathom it – I can’t ever imagine being purposefully mean to someone who has never done a thing to me, or who has never provoked me in any way.

It makes me want to hurl and kill at the same time when I keep coming to the same realization that a heart is now a rare find. Humanitarianism is down the drain. Followed by humanity itself.

I really can’t take it.

So then, until I can cool down and figure my way out of this mess that really doesn’t involve me at all, and until I can find the time and energy to do all the catching up posts I should and want to do, I think I will go finish an essay responding to a quote that states how unfair life can be that is due tomorrow in English class.

Oh the irony…

-Airolyn-

P.S.) I love you all.

I felt the need to type that, if not for you all, then for myself, to make me feel better – to make me feel like I’m not just another heartless monster that is running amok amidst all the sorrow that is surrounding us.

To make me know that I can still love, and that I, like precious few, still have a heart. Just like all of my friends do. That’s why I love you all so much.

Fox, I’ll miss you more that you know…

HAPPY! July 29, 2008

Just to catch you all up on camp first:

1) James put his arm around me while we were on the gong this morning! *happy sigh…*

2) Mom, chill! (I felt the need to say that in advance…)

3) I told Nathan I only like him as a friend after his *let’s hold hands* and *ooh! Airolyn is lying in the grass at animal farm! Let me go and lay reaaallllyy close to her and nonchalantly put my arm over her shoulder!* tendencies got annoying and clingy-ish. Also, no, he is not…like…that…yeeeaaa… but he was shy-ish and so was getting clingy; just explaining for those of you whose minds went “sex!” when I wrote he got close. Had to clarify…

4) I have another field trip tomorrow – yay! (James is comming…hehe…)

5) Adrian, the awesome friend of James’s and now mine, is a sugar plum fairy. Whenever I say “Adrian, SUGAR PLUM FAIRY!” he goes off and starts leaping and twirling – it is beyond priceless. No he is not gay, he is simply a good sport when it comes to inside jokes derived from air-guitar contests. I don’t feel like explaining it all!! Just know that I love Adrian and that I have now adopted him, Chloe, Maya, Annie, and James. And possibly my brother because he got me a free Sprite which is the ruler of all sodas. I adopt the people I like, for those of you who are like, “adopted…?”

=D

Ok, now to explain the importance of my title of this post – It is simply that in the past two days that I have checked my dear blog I have gotten three comments from random (yet awesome, I’m sure!) people saying that they are happy that they found my blog because it is such a great read! It is making my days all the more sweet to know that my blog is not just some obscure waste of time!!

So, just remember to tell all your friends about my awesome blog, all ye random and know people!!!!!

(OLD ENGLISH-ISH!!!!!)

Tons and mounds of love,

Airolyn!

P.S. Ish is the best non-word ever!!!!!!!! For those of you who are…dumb(ish) and didn’t already know that!!

FEAR THE ISH!

From Camp July 28, 2008

YESSSSS!!! They have a publications shop here at camp so I can actually check my dear blog when I get the time! Meaning not often…

Oh well.

Just wanted to say hi to everyone and say that camp is AMAZING!!!

They have everything arts-y and craft-sy…yay!

I have already made two bowls in ceramics and been to batik (look it up!) and did a sketch which I have yet to dye. I think it will be pretty cool when I’m finished though, if I get back to that particular shop.

I actually spend alot of my time at the animal farm – goats, chickens, guinea hens, sheep, ducks, turtles, and rabbits – with my buddies Maya and Annie.

The bunnies now have their own appointed names, says me: Java Chip, Vanilla Bean, Latte, Cappuccino, Frappucino, and Espresso – they are the STARBUCK’S BUNNIES!!

Hehe…

But now for the bad news…

Oh the drama!!!

So I erm…like…this guy named…James…but my friends, out of their own curiosity, asked him if he liked me too…and he apparently said, “don’t tell her this, but she’s not my type.”

OH NO!!

Oh well go figure…

BUT WAIT! It gets worse/better!

He was lying. It is now painfully obvious to me, my friends, and his friends.

He really does like me!

And and and…! *Whispers* He’s shorter than me by 3 inches…and I don’t care!!!!!!! (Those of you who truly know me will know the importance of that last admittance!)

*Dies*

But can it end happily…?!

No.

Because now another guy – Nathan – likes me, too.

How did this happen?!?!

This little nobody me, whom no one would ever like like, has two guys fighting over her.

Oh dear Lord.

See, Nathan, last night at a “murder mystery,” kept holding my hand and it was soooo sweet and he held it this morning as we talked about auras and…ugh.

But Rachel likes him and he did like Rachel before he started talking to me about how great my smile is. I think/hope he still likes her, too, so I’m kinda off the hook if I break his awesomely wonderful heart.

Ugh!!!

I have yet to hear James himself tell me he likes me, but Maria said he said he does. I also have yet to say that I return his affection, although it, too, is painfully obvious.

Kill me now!!!!

I’m on cloud 9 and in Hell at the same time.

Who knew this kind of drama existed at art camp…?

xD

All the love I can spare,

Airolyn

Happiness July 7, 2008

My friend sent me this message, and I figured I might as well try it. I’m hoping that putting it on here counts just as much as texting or emailing it because I have neither texting nor email for use with my friends. Help me find happiness, no matter how real, through this text message!

xD

Read this message do not delete it or ignore it. One day A girl was dreaming about the perfect guy and she recieved this message. She Read it a few times and sent it to all her friends. The next day at the mall she saw her Dream guy. He walked up to her and they became best friends and eventually went out and were married years later. A boy was texting his girlfriend when he recieved this message. He read it and laughed and deleted it, thinking his life cudnt get any better. Then two days later wen he wuz suppost to go out wit his girl she never showed up and as he wuz driving away he heard on the radio his girlfriend had been in a car accident and died. He also lost his mother and his best friend. He decided to find the message and he sent it. he found out his girlfriend and best friend were not dead. Just in a coma. His mom did not survive. If u care about the ppl around u, U will send this to ten ppl b4 midnite and sumthin will make u very happy, go!

 

Thanx, everyone!

~Airolyn