I’m stoked like crazy and soooo happy to be out! But at the same time, I now have to step back and look at myself for real; all I can think is, “What now…? What do I do with my life? How do I accomplish the things I wish to do? What do I even want to spend my life doing?!”

I thought I knew, but I don’t.

I mean, I know what I want to do (for the most part)- I want to travel, experience things, learn, explore, inspire, be inspired, and just LIVE… but as far as what college I’m going to? Am I going to college right away? Should I take a year off? If I do take a break year, will I ever come back? What do I want as a career? How do I get the money I need to do the things I want to? Yeah, THAT stuff… Well, let’s just say I have no inkling of an idea.

For all of my excitement, I’m terrified, and that’s not something I ever saw coming.

~RJ~

Back to a reality that’s only real for you

Where your insides are your outsides and everything is shatter-mirrors-ugly

But at least now you’re not repulsive all alone

And no one shies from your smiling façade of a poorly hidden “please die”

Just take another aspirin or prescribed placebo pill

Whenever the sun begins to rise and chase away your soul mate storm clouds

Why suffer through the blur of cigarette smoke headaches and stale candles

When the light streak under the door beckons entrance to a grey world for the dreaming

Of bats and owls and sunsets at four in the afternoon

You need only choke on the pill in the Clandestine bottle

From a hired friend payed to listen in forged affection checks

Wake up to your conjured dreamland stupid creature

Laugh at the irony and delight in the pain of a stilted growth

A stem of thorns protruding from your swollen side

Eagerly dripping to dye the white tiles crimson shades

Seal with a kiss the gun loaded once with revenge’s bullet pointed true

And bask in a spotlight that’s avoided you till now when even the rocks pay attention

Bright circles newly cast by a world whose only interest is you

Pay no heed the strangely proportioned warning signs washed pale

In the ragged fur of interconnected beasts playing tricks on the eyes

Gnashing their layered teeth of blood lust

Your demons – the wolves in the walls with breath like fire

As you descend twisted stairs to explore it all anew

Fireworks of color released by lighting dandelions

Loud yellow weeds popping into hazes to obscure a harvest moon

And white seeds let fly in disappearing acts

Accompanied by macabre beauty wearing rat-adorned wrists

Dreadfully seductive with stutter-inducing eyes into your soul

Giggling at the somber and spending the dark with colorful strobe lights

Nothing is strange in the reality of the dream to first-sight loves

But ration your freedom encrusted in black sugar suicide

Let it be short lived or long died approaching

Scrawl an “I love you” in blood from your side before you collapse into shadows

Where beauty has no place save under a tree grown gnarled

Twisted and crooked raised in a soil of bones

Strung down by a tattered rope like a lace choker on a lady’s warm neck

Old friends once forgotten now wink in their nooses

Left for alive in a world of the dead, spare feelings up for the collecting

If tentacles don’t care to collect them first

Searching and grasping to force you back where others pay no mind when you’re there

Only silenced with needle and thread, pinned by decay

Your only chance to be saved as they said now imploding

As if you care, as if you’re not totally elated

Forever in an overdosed haze of negatively charged opposites washed dirty

Your world now your own as you wanted for bad or good

There’s no room for remorse under this tombstone”

~Written by yours truly on 5/25~

Sorry about the shortness of this post! Although I suppose you’re all used to it by now… :(

Simplyrebecca.tumblr.com

On a different note, I turn 18 in exactly one month. Eeek!

~RJ

It’s such a funny thing, memory… I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently. I can remember so much- many occurrences from a little before second grade and on mostly, yet these are such vivid memories… I just was sitting with my mom talking over dinner a few moments ago and I somehow began to tell stories of everything I remember from certain times in my life…

For example, I remember DEAR, Drop Everything and Read, in second grade, where I’d always curl up under my teacher’s desk, knees at my chest, book in hand, away from everyone else in my own private cave, and become instantly lost in whatever book I was reading at the time. I recall The Boxcar Children being a favorite… And then one day during DEAR I sat in my usual spot with my DEAR reading log folder (it had orca whales on it), but I couldn’t focus on my book because I kept wiggling my loose tooth. Finally I pulled it out! Scared the teacher to death I’m sure, seeing a seven year old crawl out from this little alcove holding a baby tooth in her outstretched hand and smiling a bloody grin. Once the tooth was secured in a plastic bag, however, and I had a tissue to staunch the small amount of bleeding, I returned to my lair and began to read. Until I pulled out my other loose tooth, that is. What a day.

Gosh, there are so many memories… All so engrained in my mind! Perhaps I shall post some more small ones later for your amusement.

I forgot what my point here was.

~RJ

Just cause I share your DNA doesn’t mean you’re my dad. You don’t know the first thing about me, and I’m done trying to show you- the rejection has caused me too much pain. You’ll never understand…

I just hurt right now.

My heart hurts; heavy, I can feel its weight in my chest, pulling me down.

I just can’t afford to… I don’t know.

I just can’t.

“Self-appointed angel, what happened to your wings?

Have you finally opened your delusional eyes

And realized that which you should have already known?

Hate to say, ‘I told you so,’ but we warned you all along:

It’s not your job to ‘save’ them, any of them.

Oh, self-appointed angel, what happened,

What happened to your wings?

It’s better now that you can’t fly above us;

Put your feet back on solid ground where they belong.

You selfish and ethereal facade… I am not fooled.”

~Rebecca, 4/30/11

Opaque and unfeeling, they blind

Transmitting impulsive accusations

With not a moment’s hesitation

After the final draft has been typed

Is it that hard to give a warning sign?

Quick to over-analyze

Slow to relinquish blame

Fires consume that which they touch

And only charred ashes remain

Put out your soul’s destructive blaze

But only if you so desire

Yet once the damage has been done

Who’s to say for certain

That the water won’t make us melt?”

~Rebecca Joy, 4/30/11

My makeup for a friend's Indian-themed birthday party on 4/23/11. I had fun with my makeup... <3 (Sorry for the poor pic quality!)

]]> http://veryveggiesafe.wordpress.com/2011/04/29/be-jealous-of-my-indian-ness/feed/ 1 airolyn Indian party face http://veryveggiesafe.wordpress.com/2011/04/27/if-you-looked-back-would-you-care/ http://veryveggiesafe.wordpress.com/2011/04/27/if-you-looked-back-would-you-care/#comments Wed, 27 Apr 2011 22:34:16 +0000 Rebecca http://veryveggiesafe.wordpress.com/?p=610 ]]> “See my pretty heart beat

From beneath its ribcage cell

Is it safe to set it free?

Time along will tell.

For now it flutters faintly

For now it belongs to me

Trapped alone, it’s broken

Even I can’t find the key.

The mending thread has vanished

It’s been used so many times before

On scratches inflicted and wounds carved in

But now I’ll bleed no more.

I’ve found an iron padlock

I’ve put my soul inside

My tears are gone, they’re all cried out

The “happy” girl has died.

My center of self has disappeared

The old Rebecca has fled for good

A shadow girl is all that’s left

Where once the real me stood.

You set me free back then, back when

You made me whole since the start

But now that you’ve moved on you’re just

One more scar to adorn my heart.”

~Written by yours truly: Rebecca

-4/28/10-

I think this was about the time Derek and I broke up; it hit me pretty hard.

~Rebecca

“:) i like the moon, i look at it a lot and try to think about who else is looking at it.”

I still have this text you sent me saved on my phone.

I got Sierra, Blake, and Chris of VersaEmerge to sign the one stick, and Jimmy and another member of I See Stars to sign the other. Unfortunately, Andy didn’t come out afterwards… I did get a hug from him though as he was walking out of the venue to do something while D.R.U.G.S. was playing! He saw me leaning against the wall in the back where I’d retreated because I didn’t care much about the last two bands, and told me, “I tried to tell the other people to stop grabbing at it,” meaning at the stick as he tried to give it to me, because the first one was stolen away. I asked him if he’d be able to sign it later, and he said yes, but… I guess not. Regardless, I’m in love <3

(Dammit, I sound like a fan girl…)

With life being rather hectic and nonstop recently though, I’ve begun posting on Tumblr for the exact reasons I used to abstain from such a thing: I can post short insights and not worry about needed something extensive to compose a piece about. I still check Let Furry Things Keep Breathing, but I obviously haven’t added anything new in quite some time (much to my dismay). Don’t assume this is the fault of my new-found Tumblr obsession, because it’s not. I simply haven’t had time or energy enough to write something worthwhile on here. Ok, that’s probably a lie… I’ve also simply decided I’d rather be on Facebook, or I’d rather this or I’d rather that than update this “online journal.” And for that, readers (if you still exist), I am truly sorry. I really do miss writing on here. Honestly I didn’t realize just how much I missed it until I began this entry… Haha. Isn’t that just the way of the world? The cliché, you don’t know what you have till it’s gone, type of thing? Luckily this isn’t gone or even forgotten, simply underused. I hope to change that soon.

I decided I owed the world quite some time ago, and now, finally, here it is. It’s small, basic, slightly whiny, and overall a waste of time, but it’s a post none the less.

If anyone is interested, my Tumblr is simplyrebecca.tumblr.com; feel free to poke around there a bit, especially since it’s updated daily (except on rare occasions). Be aware that these Tumblr “updates” are nothing more than a few sentences usually, nothing more than random thoughts and feelings, expelled into cyberspace, but I love them all the same.

Until whenever,

~Rebecca

“Years upon years of time-rusted gears lie underground in a vault now dirt-crusted where they twist and they turn and they creak and they cry although nary a soul stops to listen. It isn’t the fault of those up above that they fail to hear the gears’ anguish, for the plight of these gears, those that no longer glisten and those who have aged, whose youth has gone missing, is of no concern to most people up top who unconsciously act like they’re deaf as they walk, albeit unknowingly, on the ground o’er the vault. In response to being neglected, as a result of being rejected, the teeth of the gears no longer mesh smoothly, but rather they catch and they stall and bite cruelly. When this occurs the gears must turn harder to dislodge their teeth from the gaps of the others, and when they are able to finally jerk free, they begin anew their cycles that go on endlessly to power or enliven that which, to the gears, remains a mystery. Could they, the gears, have become so obsolete, so much less perfect, so much more incomplete, that they’re not worth the oil that once used to protect them from the now-gnashing teeth, and also help foil the grime and the moisture that threatened to soil them? But the gears have no choice but to keep on their grinding, and they choke back their tears and they just keep on winding, for they know they must be patient; despite every blow, every crack, all the rust, and in spite of the darkness, the dirt, and mud-crust, despite it all those gears in that vault, well, they’ll keep turning and they’ll keep on yearning for some sort of reprieve to come to their aid. In the meantime, however, they’ll continue pushing past any work-caused burning until the last day when they’re forced to a halt by some unknown force with a loud, screeching sound, doomed underground in that vault far below, void save the gears in their grave.”

~RJ

“She is fifteen going on sixteen, and some days (TODAY), she makes me pop the cork on a cheap bottle of Zin that’s caught more dust than the corners of my bedroom and drink it straight from my thin wine glass like a toddler sucking apple juice from a sippy cup.  She is all that bold, beautiful, fiery Sense of Self that takes down parental figures like a scythe does wheat.  Fifteen doesn’t care who stands in her way.  Fifteen will karate chop your trachea and never look back at the wheezing, almost-carcass she’s left behind.  Fifteen forgets she’ll need you tomorrow.  Fifteen is brimstone and smoke and cuss words muttered perceptibly behind eyes that would cut out your heart with laser beams if she could.  Fifteen would leave you for dead.  Fifteen dares you to even EXIST in her world of vigilante justice…”

This writing scares me- it scares me to know that I influenced my mom like that. And while I’m proud in a way that I… I dunno how to phrase this! I’m proud I had an influence, proud I left an impression, but at the same time it worries me to think that I could be so harsh and stone-like. But what scares me even more? It’s the fact that I don’t think I’m that person anymore… Sure, I’m not- I’m no longer 15, no longer a carbon-copy of who I was two years ago, and that should make me happy, right? I should be relieved that I’m no longer the one who would “cut out your heart with laser beams” if I could (usually), I should be glad that I am more compassionate now (I think I am?), but, while I am joyful for all this, I’m also…torn. I feel a sense of sadness because I’m afraid I no longer have the ability to instill my ideas into others, and I worry that I have lost that once-apparent “Sense of Self.” I know who I am, more so now than I did at 15, but there’s a difference between knowing who you are and exuding knowledge of yourself. I can’t explain it, though I wish I could. I worry that I’m just “that happy girl who’s always smiling,” the forever-optimist, and while that’s fine by me (great, even), I miss the I-don’t-give-a-damn sense of being I used to have. I miss my fiery (if not occasionally violent) determination. I miss my sense of presence whether that vibe made people cringe or not.

That all sounds kind of bad, like I want to be a bad-ass or a disrespectful daughter and person, but that’s not what I mean at all.

I’m scared, and that’s almost what I think is scaring me most- the fact that, perhaps, at 15 I would have shrugged off such feelings of inadequacy and confusion, but not now. Now I can’t help but be caught in this web of dread, anticipation, worry, fear, anxiety, and longing. And that scares me most of all. Although I don’t want to go back to the unfeeling, distant creature I was at the time this was written by my mom, I still wonder: is it less of an evil to be frighteningly self-assured and determined yet full of conviction than to hide behind only a facade of happiness that masks inner worries and can’t create a worthwhile-presence?

Before I allow you to view the afore-mentioned reveries, it is paramount, critical, crucial, and simply imperative that I clarify this post’s title, for if I don’t, many of you will, I’m afraid, dive blindly into this figurative water or words without even giving so much as a respectful nod to the age-old saying of “look before you leap.” What I’m alluding to is that you will have assumed there nothing less than an Olympic-sized swimming pool of worthwhile musings waiting to break your fall when you jump from the diving board (which represents your past experiences and current knowledge, for all intensive purposes) on which you now stand.

Luckily for you, dear Nirvana-seeker, I am on duty as a lifeguard, in every sense of the word. I’m here, seemingly rambling aimlessly, to force you into observing what really lies beneath the high dive and the ground: a four-year old’s kiddie pool with no more than a few inches of water in it and a hole in the blue and yellow plastic made apparent by the hissing sound of air leaving said pool and its slow yet obvious deflation. The simply English translation of this metaphor is that if I don’t add this (supposedly) clarifying introductory paragraph then you would have begun reading this post with unrealistic and unsatisfiable expectations only to emerge from this post not with the knowledge that you expected and hoped to gain, but quite disappointed instead. If you do not leave your expectations behind then you will end up finishing this post upset and picking yourself up as well as you can manage due to the broken bones you will have inevitably gained from diving into an almost negligible amount of water; you will be forced to sullenly depart this site having gained insights that, when juxtaposed with your original expectations, will appear no more relevant or helpful to you than a thirty-pound novel on the history of grass.

In order to avoid such a calamity and sad departure, I simply advise you step gently into this pool of my thoughts; take your time; enjoy that I have to offer, enjoy the simplicity of the moment as one might relish in the newly rediscovered joy that can come from simple acts such as stomping one’s feet in inch-deep water to create mini-tsunamis against the pool’s edges; and depart from your dip not with broken bones but with a simple feeling of content and nothing more harmful gained from the experience than some slightly splashed trousers.
Now that I’ve driven the pool analogy and the importance of explaining the title of this chunk of writing into the ground, I can actually define “post-enlightenment” as it’s used in my title. In this case, PE (as I shall now refer to it) doesn’t, I regret to inform you, mean the time directly after reaching Nirvana. I am unfortunately not sharing my wisdom and such from a comfy seat on a cloud that is completely made of silver linings in the highest reaches on Heaven. In this entry, PE doesn’t mean after the journey came to an end, although I wish with all my heart I could have stayed on that cloud forever. Instead, PE means the period of time I’m in now that is after not only the journey’s end, but after, not during, my time spent enlightened. This PE refers to the hours after I have been unexpectedly thrown from my silver cloud back to normality and the place I mentally resided in before my ascent.

I am not writing as an omnipotent soul looking down on the world with truthful eyes and colored visions, but am instead writing as I am: a pinprick of existence wondering why Enlightenment (the fickle bitch) has tipped me from her cloud, and if I can ever be content again on this mutilated and mundane plane after seeing perfection and realizing just how distant we are from it.

Musings:

- Enlightenment is nothing like a zen, thoughtless place of total acceptance as many “experts” have misconstrued it to be (the unfeeling, uncaring total surrender feeling  they speak of isn’t enlightenment, but is rather what I imagine one feels directly before entering a coma).

- “Madness” is simply a term we use to describe what is really the highest level of sanity; because we can’t understand such logic until we ourselves become enlightened, however, we assume it’s nonsense when in reality it’s quite the opposite.

- Chaos is all about perspective; it’s actually a helpful, productive, and necessary part of life (and death?).

-There is chaos in Nirvana, it’s just not chaos to the enlightened and Nirvana-inhabiting mind.

- The meaning of life cannot be discovered, learned, or comprehended until death grants you the perspective necessary to understand the meaning of that which you’ve left behind: life.

- If someone who claims to be enlightened can be silent and restrain themselves from communicating or expressing themselves in any way for more than 15 minutes within the first 4 days of reaching said enlightenment, then they are lying- they’re not really enlightened.

- The ability to remain calm and introspective (or appear as such) does not make you enlightened; in fact, it probably decreases your chances of reaching an enlightened state.

- Enlightenment (at first, approximately for the first three or four days) causes one to talk incessantly and become overwhelmed by the need to share every revelation that enters one’s mind. When such a loquacious state of mind hits the enlightened individual, they tend to talk in circles and constant contradictions. There is also an obvious propensity to repeat already shared “revelations” with slightly different wording and then treat them as even deeper, never-before-considered musings.

- Enlightenment inhibits the ability to articulate and adequately convey thoughts and ideas.

- Contrary to popular belief, enlightenment isn’t permanent. Once you achieve it, falling back to earth is as easy as exhaling, and probably just as unavoidable.

- Enlightenment teaches one to be mentally flexible.E

- It’s very important to recognize the signs of your enlightenment coming to an end; this way you can pull your mind out of whatever crevasse it has squeezed into while in its contortionist-rivaling state before it’s too late and your brain explodes as it loses it’s flexibility.

- Enlightenment is a fleeting illusion.

- Even being aware of the above fact will not allow you to completely appreciate the experience while it’s happening, or its immediate effects; you will, once the illusion is shattered and words like “mundane” reenter your vocabulary, wish that you had been more aware of what was happening to you and recorded all of your thoughts throughout the journey, but, even post enlightenment, traveling back in time is impossible.

- Despite popular belief, enlightenment comes with physical side effects that (at least for me) included insomnia (and I’ve NEVER had issues sleeping before in my entire life! In fact, I’m the person who can usually sleep no matter what- I can sleep when I’m bored, on hard surfaces, in noisy areas, etc), dulled senses (you’ll scratch your back but… it won’t feel like it should; this effect is very hard to explain), and compulsive picking (I popped everything on my face, scratched at it for literally hours, and squeezed things that weren’t even acne or pop-able), hair pulling (I found myself tracing strands of my hair constantly; what I mean by this is… you know when you have a piece of dandruff or something on your scalp and to get it off you run it on strands of your hair, from root to tip, gently, till it’s loose? You “trace” your hair from scalp to end pinched between your fingers? Yeah, well I was doing that practically nonstop even though there was nothing on my scalp), etc.

- There are two types of enlightenment: the frenzied, hectic, what-the-hell-is-going-on-and-why-am-I-thinking-this-way-and-why-do-I-feel-different kind; and the kind that is described in books, the calm, insightful, I’m-totally-at-peace-with-my-life-and-the-universe-and-everything-else type.

- The second kind of enlightenment cannot be reached unless one has experienced the first type. (Even after surviving part one, so to speak, part two isn’t guaranteed.)

- Having children makes reaching enlightenment more difficult because you rarely slow down to simply smell the roses anymore. If you can reach enlightenment with kids though… well, you’ll feel more at peace than anyone else on earth.

Revelation: After writing everything above I realize I’m actually not back to where I was before the enlightenment process began… I’m sitting somewhere in between, sitting on a cloud right on the midpoint of two extremes, exposed to the energies from both places, albeit diluted energies due to my distance. I can identify the depression of the world, the blacks and grays, the sadness; yet I am still able to pull in some happiness from Nirvana. All I can do at the moment is succumb to the gray world’s insistence that I sleep now, for I am so very tired… Even reaching “enlightenment” can only stall sleep, not make it unimportant or inevitable. Physiological needs trump mental breakthroughs! My only hope as my head falls towards my pillow is that I’ll wake up with the silver-lined cloud once again beneath my head; I will dream of waking back into my enlightened self.

(Now, many, many weeks later (I began typing all this on January 25th), I’ve finally finished typing this darned post and can move on with my life. I haven’t been re-enlightened, nor do I want to be. It’s overrated and I think I got caught in some sort of quasi-conscious dreamland during the week this was all written, and I don’t think it was especially productive, sooo… I’ll stick to boring reality for a bit. Thanks.)

“He expanded (or at least perpetuated) democracy by being chosen as president via popular election. This caused the practice of elections by the people and democracy in general to survive a few more years; the president elected after him did… the same also by simply being elected by the populace and its representatives, so democracy’s life expectancy increased by a few more years once again. The cycle has continued ever since. In all honesty, Jackson was simply a pawn, just like everyone else, in the chess game of American democracy.He was later slain by a knight of the opposing ideals on said chessboard, and died, just as we all will. This being said, no matter what we do the world will end and all we’ve worked for will be for not. Jackson may have fought for democracy, which I appreciate because it’s made my life as an American better than that of a child in communist China, but where did it land him in the long run? In a coffin in the ground, just like every other deceased soul. Hurray!

Adequately bullshitted essay outline: completed.”

~RJ

“In the past four days, the Earth has been transported into Hell via a hovering, claustrophobic-feeling Tupperware covered in a strange, gelatinous green mold of sorts, and I seem to be the captain of this unfortunate vessel. If I remove this captain’s hat and click my heels together can I please go home now? I’d rather live in my usual reality where there are only scant traces of rationality than in this place which is completely devoid of anything even remotely sane, for even illusive sanity is better than none at all.”

Perhaps it’s a subconscious allusion to my life? (If it is then I certainly haven’t deciphered it’s actual or symbolic meaning yet, and I doubt I ever will, at least not fully.) My best guess is that it’s from some deep recess of my brain that I only just now realized was there. Is this a good thing or a nightmare that’s only just beginning? Only time will tell.

~R

“Hi. My name is Rebecca Joy and I’m exceptionally bad at physics. In fact, I’m probably failing; my mother is going to kill me. Am I complaining about my ineptitude at this subject or about my grade? No (for I completely deserve my grade). Am I happy about it though? Of course not. No one enjoys feeling dumb, and I am no exception. See, my strengths lie beyond the realms of math and science. My mind, my talents as it were, transcend those mundane plains and instead inhabit a much more expressive world. I dwell in an artistic sphere where colors saturate everything to an almost unfathomable degree and creativity runs rampant, unleashed and uninhibited. My world is in constant motion: it never sits still for that would stall the flow of new ideas and the possibilities of brighter colors to come. To the untrained or unenlightened eye, this space appears flamboyantly chaotic at least and crushingly overwhelming at worst, but to me…? This place is my true heart’s-home; it’s my haven, my Heaven.”

I really enjoy doing descriptions of a more abstract manner so this was fun. Plus, something I’ve kind of made as my mantra recently is “The World is better in color.” I devised this saying after having many people compliment my new hair (pics under the “Pictures of Me!” page; there’s a link to the right in the green boxes), and I tend to nod, say thanks, and tell whoever it was that spoke to me that I believe life is better in color. I live out loud! Anyway, that’s why color is going to continue to play a large role in this peace. I know it’s not much so far, but… feedback please? :)

~RJ

We went to Olive Garden for lunch today which was fabulous, I’m wearing the buffalo/viking style hat I got for Christmas (from Hot Topic), and I’m going to Starbucks soon, so today hasn’t totally sucked.

Also! Big update here: I’m no longer single. Ricky and I are dating. We went to the mall and saw “Little Fockers” yesterday which was good but not worth $7 or whatever to see in a theatre. Anyway, it was good to see him again cause he’d been gone for the past week.

Back to school tomorrow… it sucks :(

If you’re bored here’s my new blog (dunno what I’ll use it for yet, but we shall see!): musicforbrains.wordpress.com

Check it out :) The pics on there are both of me and neither were edited. Enjoy!

-Rebecca

“ENTAs are forceful, direct, driven, and adventurous. As an ENTA you place significant importance on your ability to solve complex, abstract challenges through analysis and mental effort. You value intellectual independence above all. You are willing to consider new information and differing points of view only when you think it strategically advantageous to do so.

You enjoy being around people who are as highly motivated as you are, but you also like to spend time with people who recognize and need your natural leadership ability. However, you may become frustrated when people do not display a minimal amount of competence in their areas of responsibility. You enjoy a good debate or intellectual discussion, and you are often able to come up with novel solutions for complex problems. Participating in group activities does energize you, but you may contribute the most by working autonomously.

You like to establish goals and then motivate people to work towards them with you. You believe that power is earned through superior leadership and competence. You like to work as part of a group with people you identify as experts in their respective fields. You always think of ways to improve things, people, processes, and outcomes. You pursue new ideas with great enthusiasm. However, you are easily bored once the idea is in place and the job becomes one of administration only or involves mundane tasks. You always have a new thought on the subject at hand and a willingness to tell others what it is. This sometimes manifests itself as a tendency to change your mind repeatedly, sometimes to a fault.

You are at your best when you are able to think out loud. You are a broadly curious, innovative, autonomous thinker and an energetic, enterprising, and voracious learner. You enjoy fitting broadly defined ideas into larger patterns and theories. You do not like to conform to society’s norms but may emphasize the importance of doing so to others, especially as a means of realizing your own goals and ambitions.

ENTAs are most often found in career fields that are adventurous and intellectual. As an ENTA you will be most satisfied and productive when you are involved in work that emphasizes your leadership ability and creative vision for the future. You are interested in jobs that allow you to continually develop your base of knowledge, exercise your imagination and maintain autonomy.”

Amen- they’ve got me nailed. Kudos, College Board! That was fun :)

~Rebecca Joy

Also, despite common belief, meditation doesn’t have to be religious. It can, as stated above, be used simply to focus your energies or as a manner of purging your mind. It is, however, used by the Buddhists and some other religions. Buddhists use it to help remove their selfish thoughts so they can reach Nirvana, enlightenment.

In short, meditation is a useful tool that has been proven to help people focus and concentrate.

Challenge: Try to meditate for five minutes straight- don’t listen to music or be in a loud place; try to go outside and find somewhere peaceful where you won’t be interrupted. It will take practice to get this right, even though five minutes seems like a short amount of time. Good luck!

~Rebecca

PS: There’s a more recent picture up of me now! Check out the blue hair ;)

Charlie is back in town till mid-January, so I’m stoked to hang out with him when time allows. I haven’t seen him for a while, haven’t gotten a teddy bear hug from him in too long. Hopefully that changes soon! I propose we get Indian food, because it’s the most amazing cuisine in the world!! Yum…

Not much has been going on in my sorry excuse for a life recently. I practically live at the nearby Borders- I’ve been there at least three times in the past week, and also made a trip to Barnes & Noble where I picked up two “Post Secret” books. They’re a collection of artistic postcards that  people send in with their secrets on them. The process of collecting said secrets began as a community art project, according to the author, but now he receives postcards daily from around the world in multiple languages revealing people’s deepest fears, hopes, confessions, dreams, and, well, secrets. Some of them are humorous such as, “I stole your duck and took him to San Francisco,” but many are downright depressing. I went home after reading and purchasing the books and cried. I couldn’t help it. So, while I do recommend the Post Secret books, they’re not for the faint of heart; they’re quite depressing, really big downers. I say read them, but don’t. It’s a contradiction, I’m aware, but deal with it!

I also read Ellen Hopkins’ most recent novel, Fallout, and it was incredible. True to her style, it was written in verse, lovely as always, and it was both believable and compelling, not to mention downright addicting, as I’ve come to find all of her books tend to be. Fallout is a conclusion to the story of Kristina Snow, a story that began in Hopkins’ novel Crank, continued in Glass, and comes to a conclusion in Fallout, only the third book is written from the viewpoints of three of Kristina’s children: Hunter, Summer, and Autumn. It’s worth reading (along with every other book Hopkins has written)!

Unfortunately, I have no new songs to command you all to listen to… *sigh*

OH! Christmas is coming! I’ve thought about it earlier this month but not a lot, and it just now occurred to me again that we have this holiday fast approaching (11 days and counting!!) as I was pondering what else I can add to this post… For Christmas (not that any of you care, I’m sure) I would like the Viking hat from Hot Topic, a Green Day T-shirt, a Batman logo girl’s T-shirt, and hair dye (Special Effects “Fishbowl,” “Wildflower,” and “Sonic Green”). From you readers? I simply request your loyalty to my blog, loyalty you have shown countless times in the past, to remain… well, loyal, I suppose! :) That is, keep visiting my site, refer your friends, comment on posts, etc. Otherwise, there’s very little point to me continuing to write on here! I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas, and I do plan on posting again before the big day arrives.

Until later,

RJ

Lost and insecure, I’m only a hindrance

Others moved on, never looked back again

Vision clouded by tears, I couldn’t understand

Everything they’d said was a lie, deception

Yet you took my hand, you spoke only the truth

Opened up my soul to acceptance

Unbelievable, but real as long as you’re mine”

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today

Embracing the life of this person, now passed

All of us will return to the Earth in the end

Tears well up, for time never lasts forever

Here we stand, mourning the inevitable together”

~Rebecca Joy